PM Carney Wows Trump with Fact Beaver

Danny Enright (2 minute read)

In the Oval Office today, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney introduced US President Trump to “The Fact Beaver”. 

The Fact Beaver is a Canadian government rodent who since 2019 has been replacing falsehoods in conversations with facts.  Canadian scientists, statisticians, zoologists, facticians, linguists, ventriloquists and taxidermists created this nationally recognized rodent that has literally been at the right hand of the governing Prime Minister ever since.

During a media availability in the Oval Office, PM Carney sat with a static half-smile and his lips slightly apart, accompanied by the Fact Beaver on his right hand, as the President addressed his assembled cabinet members and the media. The Fact Beaver instantly became very busy.  

Trump began “Ever since we started subsidizing Canada to the tune of $200 billion a year…”, when the Fact Beaver interjected “The US does not subsidize Canada in any way.”  Trump replied “Isn’t that the cutest thing!?”  The President then turned to speak with the Fact Beaver “Well listen here you cute little guy, you know I’m talking about how much more we buy from you than you do from us.”  The Fact Beaver calmly replied in a slightly muffled voice, as Canada's Prime Minister looked on with a tense mouth “Canada’s trade surplus with the US is $65 billion, and $90 billion of that is the oil we sell you at a discount. Exclude that oil, and you'll see Canada actually buys more goods from the US than we sell to you.” 

At this moment, JD Vance interjected “And when are you going to say Thank you?  You haven’t once said thank you!” 

Switching to French, the Fact Beaver said “Bien sûr!  Merci beaucoup Monsieur JD Vance et Monsieur Président Trump”.  

This switch to French, coincidentally spoken with the same English accent as Prime Minister Carney, instantly softened the tone of both the President and the Vice President.  

“Can you believe this little furry thing?!  It even speaks French! It’s got all these facts that it just keeps blurting out!  I gotta get me one of them.”  

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt  later clarified what the President meant by saying he wanted a rodent that fact-checked him, was that he didn’t want one.