Berlin Crosswalk’s Opaloompa Man Claims 10,000th Tourist

BERLIN — Danny Enright (1 minute read) - Once again, the streets of Berlin were washed in blood, as history recorded yet another victim of the city’s deadliest tourist attraction. The Opaloompa Man has now claimed his 10,000th victim — all in the name of the perfect vacation photo."

The Opaloompa Man — officially the Ampelmännchen — is a jaunty green hat-wearing pedestrian signal figure who has been guiding Berliners safely across streets since the carefree days of East Germany. 

Last night, local authorities confirmed the grim news: a 27-year-old lifestyle influencer from Manitoba was attempting to “get the perfect TikTok” with the Opaloompa Man on Friedrichstraße. Eyewitnesses say she stepped into oncoming traffic for a dynamic angle. A delivery cyclist, three e-scooter bros, and a highly confused schnauzer were all implicated in the fatal chain reaction that ensued.

City officials have tried interventions. Last year, they created a zone solely for tourist selfies with a fake intersection on top of the tallest building in the City, with all the lights set to green and the green Opaloompa Man glowing.  Unfortunately, in market testing, this resulted in 2 serious injuries and a 21 car pile-up since every direction indicated was green.  Police are investigating how the vehicles made it to the roof as there is no vehicle access available.  

City council has proposed a plan to replace the red “do-not walk” Opaloompa signal opposite the green Opaloompa Man, with a skeleton wagging its finger.  Early focus groups indicate tourists would simply pose with that too.

“Perhaps we need to lean in,” mused Britta Klein, a marketing strategist with VisitBerlin. “We could offer ‘Authentic Death by Opaloompa’ tours for thrill-seekers. Package it with a pretzel and a commemorative hat. At least then we’d get the revenue.”