Hans Island is a 1.3 km2 trivial island that was divided in 2022 between Denmark and Canada. This came after a decades’ long simmering stalemate between the two countries (See story “Canadian PM Drenches Danish PM in Maple Syrup in Hans Row”) After some sticky negotiations, Canada now has control of 0.767 km2 of this ice covered piece of lifeless granite.
General Teddy Poitier, spokesperson for the Canadian Department of National Defense (DND) said “Every 0.767 km2 of Canada is precious. We will not give up a single blade of grass to the enemy.” The general held up a tray of green lawn and continued, “By the way, we’re going to bring some grass to this island hellscape.”
A battalion of 1000 soldiers and 450 support staff will live three 45-storey apartment towers. There will also be a six-storey tower for recreation facilities, with each level featuring a Canadian pastime such as: Canada's official sport, Lacrosse; and “Birling”, otherwise known as lumberjack log-rolling.
DND is also in negotiations with Amazon about building a warehouse, which will provide next day deliveries thanks to DND also building a new international airport. The DND press release also says "...the military is building state-of-the-art military facilities, which includes a big shiny stainless steel dome that will house something so advanced, we don’t know what it is!”
To ensure the successful defense of this purposeless lump of rock, DND is partnering with experts at Memorial University in St. John’s, to use Newfoundland’s homegrown technology for bolting trees to a desolate, storm-battered rock, known as “Terraforming B’ye”. The press release states, “There'll be one for every soldier to hide behind.”
An unofficial source who doesn’t want to be identified because they can’t believe how ridiculous this whole situation is, said Tim Hortons will build three restaurants, which is about the same density per km2 found in most Canadian communities. This way nobody will be further away than a three minute walk. For those in a hurry, two locations will have a full service drive thru.
The source continued, "To perform regularly at the 1450 seat “Tim Hortons Centre”, the government will also draft famous performers Brian Adams, Susan Aglukark and a surprise superstar from Quebec to bring a bit of Vegas magic with her."
To ensure the successful defense of this purposeless lump of rock, DND is partnering with experts at Memorial University in St. John’s, to use Newfoundland’s homegrown technology for bolting trees to a desolate, storm-battered rock, known as “Terraforming B’ye”. The press release states, “There'll be one for every soldier to hide behind.”
An unofficial source who doesn’t want to be identified because they can’t believe how ridiculous this whole situation is, said Tim Hortons will build three restaurants, which is about the same density per km2 found in most Canadian communities. This way nobody will be further away than a three minute walk. For those in a hurry, two locations will have a full service drive thru.
The source continued, "To perform regularly at the 1450 seat “Tim Hortons Centre”, the government will also draft famous performers Brian Adams, Susan Aglukark and a surprise superstar from Quebec to bring a bit of Vegas magic with her."
While the base is still in the planning phase, the military is sending a reconnaissance team immediately with dynomite, jackhammers and a bucket of yellow paint. The paint will mark where the border is, with the word "Canada" stenciled every 10 m to show our side of the border. Then follow-up soldiers can blast a hole for an Olympic sized swimming pool. As the embarrassed source said "Celine Dion's people insist on it everywhere she stays.”
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