Elon Musk to Help Reduce Cost of Living Crisis

Donald Trump signed an executive order today called “The Gift of Elon”.  It announced that Elon Musk will pay every American man, woman and child $1000 in April.  This is meant to act as a buffer against expected price impacts of the worldwide tariffs that the US is implementing on April 2, 2025. 

Trump’s call upon the richest man in the world to share some of his wealth is expected to cost Musk a one time payment of  $340 billion.  

Musk, who was in the Oval office during the announcement, was unaware of the contents of this latest Executive Order and lunged towards the President to “give him a hug”, according to White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt.  Two secret service members intercepted Musk’s intended embrace, and while holding his hugging arms behind his back, walked him out of the Oval office as he danced back and forth, fondly shouting to President Trump “I won’t forget this!”  Musk then laughed and shouted out his concern that…  “You don’t know how to access my money!”

To reassure Musk, Trump said that “…because of all your good work with Doge, I have all the information I need to find the money.  All the data from the government’s secure servers is here on my iPhone.  Hmmmm.  Has anybody seen my iPhone?” 

To ensure that Musk continues to be solvent to meet his new exciting obligation, Trump is opening “…a Tesler(sic) dealership right here on the Whitehouse lawn. And I’m installing one of those electric gas pump things, which will have this extra big sticker.”  Trump then revealed a new “Electricity Powered by American Coal” sticker. 

When asked about how the government would distribute the funds to American families, Trump said “I dunno… the Department of Health and Human Services I guess.”  At this point, the Secretary of Health and Human Services interjected “That department no longer exists Sir”

Trump continued, “Well, that’s probably a good thing, right?!  Look, maybe we’ll use the department that hands out critical subsidies to banks and oil companies… “  

Press Secretary Leavitt later confirmed that Doge has laid off all staff whose role it was to distribute any money to average Americans.  Trump is expected to instruct Elon to rehire some people once Musk has finished his comfortable stay at a first-of-its-kind rehabilitation centre run by the newly renamed “US Department of Re-education.”  

Cost of Earworms in Canada is Rising 

2025-03-02

SOCAN, the Society of Composers, Authors and Music Publishers of Canada, has been accused of being too aggressive in its retrieval of amounts due its members. With the recent mandated introduction of computer chips into the brains of all Canadians (see in depth story “Only Someone Without a Computer Chip in Their Brain Wonders if It’s a Good Idea to Have a Computer Chip in Their Brain”), they’re now collecting money when Canadians hear a song in their heads.

SOCAN, a Canadian performance rights organization that represents the performing rights of more than 175,000 songwriters, composers and music publishers, is tasked with tracking the number of times and places the works of its members are performed so that money can be collected to be distributed.  

While some have criticized the aggressive the tactics of SOCAN’s techniques, including the 2017 raid on a Sarnia, ON kindergarten classes for singing “I’s the B’ye”, to the trial of a half dozen Saskatoon seniors’-home choir found mumbling Jann Arden’s “Good Mother” in 2024, SOCAN was found in court to be acting within its legal mandate, and has always said it’s only doing what’s right and fair for hard working Canadian performers, and thus Canadian culture.

Recently however, the federal Conservative Party has been pushing for a Parliamentary investigation into the way SOCAN has been exploiting the mandated computer chips in the brains of Canadians. Leader Pierre Poilievre said “We all universally realize the positive benefits of having computer chips placed into the brains of every Canadian adult, child and pet, but SOCAN’s overreach into the private thoughts of Canadians has elevated concerns over where private thought ends and copyright begins.” 

His comments come in response to a news story out of Sussex, New Brunswick where a family was forced to the brink of bankruptcy by SOCAN because their four year old wouldn’t stop humming the Weeknd’s “Blinding Light.”  Alex Mondeau, the father, said “Why do we have to pay the price of someone else’s genius?  Where does the Weeknd’s responsibility come in?  He’s the one that made it so damn singable!  I proposed to SOCAN that they mandate songs to be less catchy, but apparently it's too much to ask for!”  

At this point, Alex’s phone lit up with a warning from SOCAN that this last phrase is from a song on Avril Lavigne’s debut album Let Go (2002).  

“FUCK!” added Mr. Mondeau. 

The next generation of chip that all Canadians are excited to have installed, will feature Canadian content requirements the same as radio stations. If you do not listen to enough Canadian Content, music from Canadian acts such as Nickleback, Blue Rodeo and Crash Test Dummies will be piped into your neural pathways. The royalties due these acts will then be added to their SOCAN bill.