Danny Enright

BERLIN — Danny Enright (1 minute read) - Once again, the streets of Berlin were washed in blood, as history recorded yet another victim of the city’s deadliest tourist attraction. The Opaloompa Man has now claimed his 10,000th victim — all in the name of the perfect vacation photo." The Opaloompa Man — officially the Ampelmännchen — is a jaunty green hat-wearing pedestrian signal figure who has been guiding Berliners safely across streets since the carefree days of East Germany.  Last night, local authorities confirmed the grim news: a 27-year-old lifestyle influencer from Manitoba was attempting to “get the perfect TikTok” with the Opaloompa Man on Friedrichstraße. Eyewitnesses say she stepped into oncoming traffic for a dynamic angle. A delivery cyclist, three e-scooter bros, and a highly confused schnauzer were all implicated in the fatal chain reaction that ensued. City officials have tried interventions. Last year, they created a zone solely for tourist selfies with a fake i...

Danny Enright (1 minute read) President Trump announced on his Truth Social platform that he is mandating all fire-fighting be privatized “...to unleash the power of the competitive marketplace onto the flames that are destroying America.”   “America is home to the best quality health care in the world, with cutting edge technologies being invented all the time.  Why wouldn’t you want to unleash this power of innovation to help stop fires from burning all of your stuff?”   When asked by reporters to elaborate on this new mandate, Trump responded “People come from all over the world for our health care.  Maybe they’ll do the same for our excellent private fire protection, I dunno.”  When asked about the costs, Trump retorted “You’ll save a lot of money on your taxes!  If you want to have fire insurance, you can buy some, but you probably won’t have a fire so no need to worry… it’s like less than a quarter of a per cent, so think of the money you’ll...

  by Danny Enright (2 Minute Read) Following backlash over an image of President Donald Trump dressed as the pope—posted just days after the funeral of Pope Francis—the White House pushed back on the criticism, describing it as part of a “long and noble” presidential tradition. “The media appears to have short memories!” White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt remarked sharply at a briefing Thursday. “While some in the phäque media slander our great leader President Trump, they conveniently ignore the precedent set by previous Presidents.” Leavitt then presented a 2022 image of President Joe Biden, shared shortly after the death of Queen Elizabeth II. (Seen at the top of this story)  “Remember this respectful image Biden posted?” she asked, gesturing to a slide projected behind her. “No FactsNews media outrage then.” At the time, then-Senator-elect J.D. Vance dismissed criticism of Biden’s post. “As a general rule, I'm fine with people telling jokes and not fine with ...

Danny Enright (2 minute read) In an unexpected—and unusually informative—moment in the Oval Office today, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney introduced U.S. President Donald Trump to a unique member of his official entourage: The Fact Beaver . The Fact Beaver, a Canadian government creation since 2019, is a puppet AI rodent engineered by a multidisciplinary team of Canadian scientists, statisticians, zoologists, linguists, ventriloquists, and taxidermists. The beaver’s role is to replace untruths with facts.  During a media availability with President Trump and his cabinet, Prime Minister Carney remained mostly silent, sporting slightly parted lips and a static half-smile, while the Fact Beaver, perched on his right hand, provided reality-based clarifications, known as "facts". “Ever since we started subsidizing Canada to the tune of $200 billion a year…” Trump began, before the beaver jumped in with a firm, “The U.S. does not subsidize Canada in any way.” The President appe...

This is not a real picture of the event. Danny Enright (3 Minute Read)   Donald Trump signed an executive order today called “The Gift of Elon”.  It announced that Elon Musk will pay every American man, woman and child $1000 in April.  This is meant to act as a buffer against expected price impacts of the worldwide tariffs that the US is implementing on April 2, 2025.  Trump’s call upon the richest man in the world to share some of his wealth is expected to cost Musk a one time payment of  $340 billion.   Musk, who was in the Oval office during the announcement, was unaware of the contents of this latest Executive Order and lunged towards the President to “give him a hug”, according to White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt.  Two secret service members intercepted Musk’s intended embrace, and while holding his hugging arms behind his back, walked him out of the Oval office as he danced back and forth, fondly shouting to President Tru...

Danny Enright (3 minute read) SOCAN, the Society of Composers, Authors and Music Publishers of Canada, is being accused of hostile behaviour towards Canadians. With the recent mandated introduction of computer chips into the brains of all Canadians (see in depth story “Only Someone Without a Computer Chip in Their Brain Wonders if It’s a Good Idea to Have a Computer Chip in Their Brain”), they’re now charging a fee when Canadians hear a song in their heads. SOCAN, a Canadian performance rights organization that represents the performing rights of more than 175,000 songwriters, composers and music publishers, is tasked with tracking the number of times and places the works of its members are performed so that money can be collected to be distributed to members.   Some are criticizing the aggressive the tactics of SOCAN’s techniques, including the 2017 raid on a Sarnia, ON kindergarten classes for singing “I’s the B’ye”, and the trial of a half dozen Saskatoon seniors’-home choi...

By Danny Enright (2 minute read) President Donald Trump signed an executive order today calling on all levels of government and private enterprise to alter all disability-accessible elements in all buildings and public spaces, calling them “...one of the worst examples of preferential treatment in the history of the world”.   All levels of governments and other enterprises are being ordered to immediately redesignate accessible curb ramps at sidewalks as “Trolleys and Baby Carriage Inclines”, and building access ramps will now be really boring skateboard parks.  Automatic door openers will have the icon of a person in a wheelchair replaced with a picture of a “white man” using his hip to press the button.  This way, people will know how to use them to open the door while their hands are full, or if they’re simply too lazy to open it themselves.   Trump added  “They’re also a good thing to use so you don’t have to waste time figuring out which way the d...

(4 Minute Read)  Canada is building a military base along the land border between Canada and Greenland on Hans Island, in response to vague ongoing threats of Greenland being forcefully taken over by a belligerent adversary. Hans Island is a 1.3 km2 trivial island that was divided in 2022 between Denmark and Canada. This came after a decades’ long simmering stalemate between the two countries (See story “Canadian PM Drenches Danish PM in Maple Syrup in Hans Row”) After some sticky negotiations, Canada now has control of 0.767 km2 of this ice covered piece of lifeless granite.   General Teddy Poitier, spokesperson for the Canadian Department of National Defense (DND) said “Every 0.767 km2 of Canada is precious. We will not give up a single blade of grass to the enemy.” The general held up a tray of green lawn and continued, “By the way, we’re going to bring some grass to this island hellscape.” A battalion of 1000 soldiers and 450 support staff will live three 45-storey...