Trump Calls Disability Access Features a DEI disgrace

By Danny Enright (2 minute read)

President Donald Trump signed an executive order today calling on all levels of

government and private enterprise to alter all disability-accessible elements in all buildings and public spaces, calling them “...one of the worst examples of preferential treatment in the history of the world”.  

All levels of governments and other enterprises are being ordered to immediately redesignate accessible curb ramps at sidewalks as “Trolleys and Baby Carriage Inclines”, and building access ramps will now be really boring skateboard parks. 

Automatic door openers will have the icon of a person in a wheelchair replaced with a picture of a “white man” using his hip to press the button.  This way, people will know how to use them to open the door while their hands are full, or if they’re simply too lazy to open it themselves.  

Trump added  “They’re also a good thing to use so you don’t have to waste time figuring out which way the door goes. Do you have to pull it?  Push it?  Slide it? Lift it?   How many broken fingers and hands have clogged our amazing medical system because people are perplexed by the operation of these dangerous devices.”  Trump spokesperson clarified that the dangerous devices he mentioned were doors.

Whitehouse spokespeople added that the buttons to replace the current image with one of a large man pressing his hip into the button will be created in China, so when they’re shipped back to the US, there will be a 100% tariff that will be used to pay for the buttons in the first place.  “It’s a foolproof plan!”  At this point, three economists with quizzical looks who were sitting in the Oval Office raised their hands, but were silenced by Trump’s powerful glower. 

In addition, audible crosswalk signals will now be a wolf whistle, and accessible restroom stalls will all have a sign saying “Big Load” affixed to the outside. Accessible bus lifts will remain unchanged since, as the executive order states “... the more people that use the bus means the more space on the road for patriotic, American drivers driving all-American cars.  Drive baby Drive!” 

In a press release from the American Association of Humans with Disabilities (AAHD) they claimed this was an affront to the decades of work to promote the full participation of disabled people in the social and economic sphere of society.   “We’re going to sit down here and not take this!” 

When reached for comment, an unnamed source at the The Disability Rights Foundation (DRF) said “What?!” 

Extra-wide parking spaces in front of shops and office buildings will no longer be dedicated to those with a disability, but instead be designated based on a merit system that doesn’t favour any specific group over any other.  Government officials confirmed rumours that Tesla Cybertrucks are at the top of this ranking.

Canada Building Military Base to Defend Itself from Greenland

(4 Minute Read)  Canada is building a military base along the land border between Canada and Greenland on Hans Island, in response to vague ongoing threats of Greenland being forcefully taken over by a belligerent adversary.

Hans Island is a 1.3 km2 trivial island that was divided in 2022 between Denmark and Canada. This came after a decades’ long simmering stalemate between the two countries (See story “Canadian PM Drenches Danish PM in Maple Syrup in Hans Row”) After some sticky negotiations, Canada now has control of 0.767 km2 of this ice covered piece of lifeless granite.  

General Teddy Poitier, spokesperson for the Canadian Department of National Defense (DND) said “Every 0.767 km2 of Canada is precious. We will not give up a single blade of grass to the enemy.” The general held up a tray of green lawn and continued, “By the way, we’re going to bring some grass to this island hellscape.”

A battalion of 1000 soldiers and 450 support staff will live three 45-storey apartment towers. There will also be a six-storey tower for recreation facilities, with each level featuring a Canadian pastime such as:  Canada's official sport, Lacrosse; and “Birling”, otherwise known as lumberjack log-rolling.

DND is also in negotiations with Amazon about building a warehouse, which will provide next day deliveries thanks to DND also building a new international airport.  The DND press release also says "...the military is building state-of-the-art military facilities, which includes a big shiny stainless steel dome that will house something so advanced, we don’t know what it is!”  

To ensure the successful defense of this purposeless lump of rock, DND is partnering with experts at Memorial University in St. John’s, to use Newfoundland’s homegrown technology for bolting trees to a desolate, storm-battered rock, known as “Terraforming B’ye”. The press release states, “There'll be one for every soldier to hide behind.”

An unofficial source who doesn’t want to be identified because they can’t believe how ridiculous this whole situation is, said Tim Hortons will build three restaurants, which is about the same density per km2 found in most Canadian communities. This way nobody will be further away than a three minute walk. For those in a hurry, two locations will have a full service drive thru. 

The source continued, "To perform regularly at the 1450 seat “Tim Hortons Centre”, the government will also draft famous performers Brian Adams, Susan Aglukark and a surprise superstar from Quebec to bring a bit of Vegas magic with her."

While the base is still in the planning phase, the military is sending a reconnaissance team immediately with dynomite, jackhammers and a bucket of yellow paint.  The paint will mark where the border is, with the word "Canada" stenciled every 10 m to show our side of the border.  Then follow-up soldiers can blast a hole for an Olympic sized swimming pool.  As the embarrassed source said "Celine Dion's people insist on it everywhere she stays.”